After 34 years, the iconic Mirage Hotel and Casino on the Las Vegas strip will close its doors after it was bought by Hard Rock Las Vegas, which will completely renovate the building, removing its tropical theme and volcano attraction. What do you think? Read more...

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Diversity, equity and inclusion, or DEI, programs have been under attack by conservatives who think that their efforts to assist historically marginalized groups come at the expense of the majority. However, there is substantial misinformation circulating about what DEI programs are meant to do. The Onion breaks down Read more...

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NEWTON, MARecoiling at the sight of the waterlogged creatures bloated remains, local dad Jeffrey Hanford reportedly removed his homes pool cover for the season Friday and gagged after finding a dead mermaid in there. Oh God, it must have found its way in and not been able to get back outI wondered why it smelled Read more...

Judge Judy Sheindlin sued Accelerate360 Media, the parent company of the National Enquirer and InTouch Weekly, for a story ran in both publications falsely claiming that she was helping the Menendez brothers secure a retrial for their 1989 murder conviction. What do you think? Read more...

A district in Virginia recently reversed its decision to change two schools names, reinstating their previous Confederate names on the grounds that it had been a hastily made decision in reaction to the Black Lives Matter movement. The Onion weighs the pros and cons for any schools considering a similar rebranding. Read more...

PHOENIXTrying for weeks to deliver a summons on charges of felony election interference to the former Donald Trump attorney, Arizona prosecutors reported Thursday they were still unable to locate Rudy Giuliani despite searching dozens of local landfills across the state. Our multiple attempts to serve Mr. Giuliani Read more...

During a commencement speech at Benedictine College, Kansas City Chiefs kicker Harrison Butker railed against Biden, Pride month, and abortion rights before addressing the women in the audience, saying, Some of you may go on to lead successful careers in the world, but I would venture to guess that the majority of Read more...

TALLAHASSEE, FLTouting the legislation as a common-sense victory for family values, Gov. Ron DeSantis (R) signed a new law Thursday requiring all Florida women to produce three healthy, white sons by the date of their 22nd birthday. The production of white daughters will not be penalized, but they will be seized by Read more...

BOCA CHICA, TXAccusing the billionaire tech mogul of dragging down property values, neighbors of Elon Musk told reporters Thursday they were fed up with his eyesore yard covered in broken-down Cybertrucks. I dont know if the guy who lives there is sick or has fallen on hard times or what, but Im sorrythat yard Read more...

A truckload of honey bees heading to pollinate Maines blueberry crop crashed on Interstate 95, releasing a swarm of 15 million insects before firefighters responding to the scene could contain them. What do you think? Read more...

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An art installation called the Portal, which allows people in New York City and Dublin to watch and interact with each other in a continuous live stream, has been temporarily shut down to address problems with inappropriate behavior, as visitors have taken to flashing body parts and curse words. What do you think? Read more...

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PARISCalling its latest piece a must-have for anyone with a discerning eye who is preparing to undergo bariatric surgery, the prestigious jewelry firm Cartier introduced a new diamond-encrusted gastric lap-band Friday retailing for $97,000. The Maison Cartier is pleased to introduce a high-end implanted medical Read more...

CHARLOTTE, NCOffering its customers a way to commemorate their consumption of a healthy and fiber-rich meal, fruit and vegetable producer Dole announced Wednesday that its salad kits now included a framed certificate confirming the bearer of the document had eaten a salad. By executive order of the Salad Institute Read more...

Theres a deadline for love, and some people just miss it, you know? Shhh, its okay. Dont cry now. Read more...

Johnny McEntee, a former aide in the Trump White House, recently bragged on social media about giving fake money to unhoused people to ensure their eventual arrest, claiming on TikTok that when a homeless person asks for money, then I give them like a fake $5 bill. So I feel good about myself. They feel good. And Read more...

Keith Gill, better known by his online persona Roaring Kitty, posted for the first time in three years since instigating the 2021 GameStop short squeeze, once again causing that company and other meme stocks such as AMC to jump as much as 60% this week before trading was halted for volatility. What do you think? Read more...

THE CASTLE OF ISIDOREScolding the associate magister for his inappropriate use of guild resources, the High Council at Calazar Keep reportedly reprimanded wizard Ashkahol the Geomancer for watching porn on his work orb Tuesday. Weve told Ashkahol repeatedly that were trying to maintain a professional sorcery Read more...

SALISBURY, MDEmphasizing that it was an integral part of the companys mission to raise humanely sourced meat, poultry processing giant Perdue Farms announced a new initiative Tuesday to even the playing field by giving guns to chickens. At Perdue, we always strive to ensure animals are treated with dignity and Read more...

FORT COLLINS, COAs part of its mission to encourage learning through free expression in a natural environment, teachers at local progressive preschool Sunshine Montessori Learning Center confirmed Tuesday they had abandoned their students in the woods. Four-year-olds are natural learners, so we dont want to Read more...

After years of serving in some of the highest positions of the U.S. government, Rudy Giuliani has had an unprecedented fall from grace, forcing him to file for bankruptcy last year. Heres an inside look at how the once-beloved mayor of New York City now spends his days. Read more...

NEW YORKMumbling Oh, come on as his ingot was rejected again, Sen. Bob Menendez (D-NJ) was repeatedly trying to jam a gold bar into a vending machine at a federal courthouse in Manhattan, sources confirmed Monday. Stupid slot, why wont you take my money? said the 70-year-old disgraced lawmaker, who kicked the Read more...

NEW YORKDuring a brief recess from his ex-attorneys testimony regarding hush money payments made shortly before the 2016 election, former President Donald Trump reflexively cornered Michael Cohen and asked him for help silencing Michael Cohen, courtroom sources confirmed Monday. Listen, Michael, this guy Cohen Read more...

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CLEARWATER, FLSpitting out his medication and sticking out his tongue in apparent disgust, local man Rick Walton reportedly refused to take his boner pills Monday unless they were strawberry flavored. No, no, no, I hate the blue pillsI want pink ones instead! the red-faced 47-year-old said as he hid behind his Read more...

A 44-foot-long endangered sei whale was found dead on the bow of a cruise ship entering New York, with authorities finding that the whale was likely healthy when it was struck dead by the ship. What do you think? Read more...

With 4 turrets, a dozen windows, and a saltwater moat, this massive home boasts a fantastic 360-degree view of both the ocean and hairy sunbathers. Hurry up and book a showing before its washed away for good. Read more...

BOSTONRevealing they felt blindsided by the person they trusted most, the nations weeping spouses held a press conference Tuesday to announce they dont recognize the person youve become. If you had told me all those years ago on our wedding day that this is who you would turn into, I never would have believed Read more...