Despite his familys pleading, Richard Blakely died at age 82 on the nice rug. The post Richard Blakely appeared first on The Onion .

The post Paul McCartney Now Openly Referring To Self As Last-Living Beatle appeared first on The Onion .

The post Task Teams Up With Wawa For New Fentanyl Brick Hoagie appeared first on The Onion .

NASHVILLE, TNAdding to an already heaping assortment of books, clothing, and photos that reminded her of soon-to-be ex-husband Keith Urban, actress Nicole Kidman reportedly tossed a copy of The Garfield Movesoundtrack onto her backyard burn pile Friday. Keith was so happy the day he came home and told me he was collaborating with Snoop on [] The post Nicole Kidman Tosses The Garfield Movie Soundtrack Onto Burn Pile appeared first on The Onion .

BRECKSVILLE, OHSpeculating that the unnamed individual was unable to find the broadcast on even the most extensive of satellite TV packages, patrons at the Thirsty Goose Tavern confirmed Friday there was currently a Central European guy sitting at the other end of the bar watching some weird sport with mallets on his phone. Hes been [] The post Central European Guy At Other End Of Bar Watching Some Sport With Mallets On Phone appeared first on The Onion .

MEKELE, ETHIOPIAExpressing utter embarrassment about the long-hyped event, a desert locust in the Ethiopian Highlands was reportedly humiliated Friday after a swarm he organized was only attended by 40 million other members of his species. Oh man, I thought everyone would be more excited to cause a famine, said the newly gregarious African grasshopper, adding [] The post Locust Humiliated Swarm He Organized Only Got 40 Million Attendees appeared first on The Onion .

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Supermodel Tyra Banks introduced a warm, drinkable dessert called Hot Mama, describing it as the worlds first hot ice cream experience. What do you think? The post Tyra Banks Releases Hot Ice Cream appeared first on The Onion .

On Sept. 25, President Trump issued a directive called National Security Presidential Memorandum 7 in which anti-Americanism, anti-capitalism, and anti-Christianity were described as common threads of domestic terrorism. Here is everything you need to know about NSPM-7. Q: What is NSPM-7? A: A key term for future AP U.S. History students in the Rise of [] The post What To Know About NSPM-7 appeared first on The Onion .

The post Kristi Noem: Antifa Is A Highly Sophisticated Islamic Proto-State That Controlled Territory In Iraq And Syria From 2013-2019 appeared first on The Onion .

CAIROAs part of a historic ceasefire agreement with Hamas following two years of war, the Israeli government reportedly agreed Thursday to go back to killing Palestinians on a less frequent basis. In line with the terms of the deal, Hamas will release all remaining Israeli hostages, and Israel will still murder innocent Palestinian civilians on [] The post Israel Agrees To Go Back To Killing Palestinians On Less Frequent Basis appeared first on The Onion .

Sarah Mullally has been appointed the first female Archbishop of Canterbury, becoming the Church of Englands top spiritual leader. What do you think? The post Church Of England Names First Woman Leader appeared first on The Onion .

BRENTWOOD, TNTaking to Instagram to address recent concerns from her fans, country music icon Dolly Parton shared a video Thursday in which she confirmed her sister is a shit-stirring bitch. Hey yall, I know theres been a lot of speculation about whats going on with me these days, but I want you to know that [] The post Dolly Parton Shares Video Confirming Sister A Shit-Stirring Bitch appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONIn response to the freezing of federal funds necessary to keep the essential grain operational for millions of Americans, the U.S. Department of Agriculture has, effective immediately, deactivated the nations corn for the remainder of the ongoing government shutdown. Because of the Democrat Partys reckless decision to shut down the government, we at the USDA [] The post USDA Deactivates Nations Corn During Government Shutdown appeared first on The Onion .

CHICAGOUnsure where to find the lawlessness and chaos they were told was overtaking the city, NationalGuard troops deployed to Chicago by President Donald Trump have begun aimlessly going door to door and asking residents if they have any order they might need restored, sources confirmed Thursday. Hi there, maamI was wondering if youd seen any [] The post BoredNationalGuard Goes Door To Door Asking If Chicagoans Have Any Order They Need Restored appeared first on The Onion .

THE HEAVENSNoting unsafe levels of carcinogens in all land, air, and water, a legal ruling handed down by the Celestial Court on Tuesday ordered God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, to add a cancer warning to Earth. The Creator of All Things has known for millennia that every continent causes cancer, and now He must [] The post Legal Ruling Forces God To Add Cancer Warning To Earth appeared first on The Onion .

WASHINGTONIn an effort to curb speculation regarding the physical health of the commander-in-chief, Capt. Sean Barbabella, physician to the president and director of the White House Medical Unit, confirmed Thursday that Donald Trump has far more bones than any U.S. president on record. Every time we examine the presidents body, we find more and more [] The post White House Doctor: Trump Has Far More Bones Than Any Prior President appeared first on The Onion .

Six years from now, almost to the day, the blushing bride Carlie Beams and joyful groom Drew Jones will be fighting to the death for sole custody over a cat. The post Carlie Beams and Drew Jones appeared first on The Onion .

The post Sydney Sweeney Desperately Fishing For Pet Names To Avoid Calling Grown Man Scooter appeared first on The Onion .

CHICAGOIn effort to honor the extraordinarily talented and creative individual, a MacArthur genius grant was awarded Wednesday to Arkansas man Dale Huggins for his invention of the eatin shirt, a big ol shirt he puts on before supper so his good shirt doesnt get all dirty. All these stains you see here on my eatin [] The post MacArthur Genius Grant Awarded To Inventor Of Eatin Shirt appeared first on The Onion .

LOS ANGELESDescribing the mood in the clubhouse as eerie and ominous, several members of the Los Angeles Dodgers told reporters Tuesday they have become increasingly unnerved since Shohei Ohtanis interpreter, Will Ireton, began referring to the two-way superstar as The Host. According to team sources, Iretons relationship with Ohtani has taken on a different, more [] The post Teammates Unnerved As Translator Begins Referring To Ohtani As The Host appeared first on The Onion .

Randy Faber, 49, died Saturday after a horn impaling his chest confirmed his severe rhino allergy. The post Randy Faber appeared first on The Onion .

Listen, no ones trying to broadcast private details about your life to the whole world, but you should know that living here would absolutely violate the terms of your plea agreement. Reference #18793 The post Not 200 Yards Away From The Dog Park appeared first on The Onion .

Former NFL quarterback Mark Sanchez faces a felony battery charge after allegedly confronting a 69-year-old truck driver at a hotel loading dock, with the driver pepper-spraying and stabbing Sanchez as he continued advancing toward him. What do you think? The post Ex-Quarterback Mark Sanchez Charged With Felony Battery appeared first on The Onion .

ARLINGTON, VASaying the Pentagon had acted swiftly on an insider tip about the vessel having a big adventure planned, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth confirmed Tuesday that the U.S. military had carried out a strike on Scuffy the Tugboat. Little Scuffy wasnt content with merely floating around in the bathtub, so he made for the nearest [] The post U.S. Military Carries Out Strike On Scuffy The Tugboat appeared first on The Onion .

The Saturday evening union of D.C. insiders Baines Wright III and Carter Nowak featured several productive breakout sessions with good thought-starters on potential honeymoon locations for the new couple. The post Baines Wright III and Carter Nowak appeared first on The Onion .

RISHIKESH, INDIAIn an effort to break down creative barriers and open their minds to new types of spirituality, members of the heavy metal band Slipknot reportedly traveled to India this week to begin the psychedelic, free-love phase of their career.The rishi has been teaching us a lot of different things about pain and anger, and [] The post Slipknot Travels To India To Begin Psychedelic, Free-Love Phase Of Career appeared first on The Onion .

While its natural for personal relationships to change or fade over time, many adults reportedly find it difficult to forge new friendships later in life. The Onion shares tips for making friends as an adult. Start calling your parents by their first names. Find a volunteer cause you can immediately dispense with the second your [] The post Tips For Making Friends As An Adult appeared first on The Onion .

Treasure hunters recovered more than 1,000 silver and gold coins worth about $1 million from a 1715 Spanish shipwreck off Floridas coast. What do you think? The post $1 Million In Coins Recovered From Spanish Shipwreck appeared first on The Onion .

STOCKHOLMIn an effort to honor the groundbreaking work of bringing fast relief to millions suffering post-meal heartburn and indigestion, the prestigious Nobel Prize in Medicine was awarded Monday to the over-the-counter chewable antacid Tums. What Tums has achieved was long thought impossible: a fruit-flavored tablet capable of quickly neutralizing acid reflux even after a person [] The post Nobel Prize In Medicine Awarded To Tums appeared first on The Onion .

LEAWOOD, KSSeeing his fiance in a whole new light, Kansas City Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce was reportedly getting cold feet Monday after listening to Taylor SwiftsThe Life Of A Showgirl. Its kind of weird Ive only known her for two years, dont you think? said the Kansas City Chiefs tight end, who told his [] The post Travis Kelce Gets Cold Feet After Listening To New Taylor Swift Album appeared first on The Onion .

Through a new government-run website called TrumpRx, drug manufacturers will sell prescription medicines directly to consumers at lower-than-retail prices, but insurance will not be accepted. What do you think? The post Trump Announces TrumpRx Website For Prescription Drugs appeared first on The Onion .

According to a new report, Stephen King is now the author most likely to be censored by U.S. schools, with The Shining, Christine, The Stand, and On Writing among the 87 of his titles removed from shelves. What do you think? The post Stephen King Most Banned Author In U.S. Schools appeared first on The Onion .

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Tis a humble and rudely constructed domicile, true, but tis warm and dry, and there be space enough to lay your head on some flax and pass an evenings time. Reference #35615 The post Wouldst This Suit MLord? appeared first on The Onion .

LOS GATOS, CAWith an update the company hailed as a bold feature that would excite existing users and increase membership, streaming giant Netflix announced Tuesday that all of its subscribers would now be required to recruit five new customers.In the competitive world of streaming media, this restructuring will ensure Netflix remains at the forefront of [] The post Netflix Now Requiring All Subscribers To Recruit 5 New Customers appeared first on The Onion .

ARLINGTON, VAThe U.S. Defense Department confirmed Monday that Starbucks had been awarded a $5 billion contract to explore potential national security applications of cold foam, part of the militarys ongoing effort to modernize its lactose-based defense capabilities. According to officials, the Seattle-based company will oversee the prototype of a tactical frothed milk topping for use [] The post Starbucks Awarded $5 Billion Contract To Explore Military Applications Of Cold Foam appeared first o

MESA, AZAs he hastily hung a framed picture over some unsightly bullet holes in the wall, local man Clyde Walker told reporters Monday that he was straightening up his meth lab ahead of an anticipated visit from his landlord.Just doing a bit of cleaning to get the meth kitchen spick-and-span before Gary comes by, Walker [] The post Meth Lab Straightened Up Ahead Of Landlords Visit appeared first on The Onion .