FORT COLLINS, COAs part of its mission to encourage learning through free expression in a natural environment, teachers at local progressive preschool Sunshine Montessori Learning Center confirmed Tuesday they had abandoned their students in the woods. Four-year-olds are natural learners, so we dont want to Read more...

After years of serving in some of the highest positions of the U.S. government, Rudy Giuliani has had an unprecedented fall from grace, forcing him to file for bankruptcy last year. Heres an inside look at how the once-beloved mayor of New York City now spends his days. Read more...

NEW YORKMumbling Oh, come on as his ingot was rejected again, Sen. Bob Menendez (D-NJ) was repeatedly trying to jam a gold bar into a vending machine at a federal courthouse in Manhattan, sources confirmed Monday. Stupid slot, why wont you take my money? said the 70-year-old disgraced lawmaker, who kicked the Read more...

NEW YORKDuring a brief recess from his ex-attorneys testimony regarding hush money payments made shortly before the 2016 election, former President Donald Trump reflexively cornered Michael Cohen and asked him for help silencing Michael Cohen, courtroom sources confirmed Monday. Listen, Michael, this guy Cohen Read more...

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CLEARWATER, FLSpitting out his medication and sticking out his tongue in apparent disgust, local man Rick Walton reportedly refused to take his boner pills Monday unless they were strawberry flavored. No, no, no, I hate the blue pillsI want pink ones instead! the red-faced 47-year-old said as he hid behind his Read more...

A 44-foot-long endangered sei whale was found dead on the bow of a cruise ship entering New York, with authorities finding that the whale was likely healthy when it was struck dead by the ship. What do you think? Read more...

With 4 turrets, a dozen windows, and a saltwater moat, this massive home boasts a fantastic 360-degree view of both the ocean and hairy sunbathers. Hurry up and book a showing before its washed away for good. Read more...

BOSTONRevealing they felt blindsided by the person they trusted most, the nations weeping spouses held a press conference Tuesday to announce they dont recognize the person youve become. If you had told me all those years ago on our wedding day that this is who you would turn into, I never would have believed Read more...

WASHINGTONIn an effort to ensure the munitions were completely untraceable, the U.S. military began filing the serial numbers off all missiles being sent to the Israeli government, anonymous sources within the Pentagon confirmed Friday. In the wake of recent IDF operations in Rafah, we will no longer serve as arms Read more...

CHICAGOWincing each time the loud, unnerving cackle echoed throughout the room, every patron at local bar Red Finch was heard to breathe a simultaneous sigh of relief Friday after a drunk guy with an obnoxious laugh got interested in his phone. Oh, thank God, hes finally distractedmaybe now we can have a Read more...

SAN DIEGONoting that the adorable abominations would not last long, Petco announced Thursday that all human-pig hybrids were on clearance at its retail locations across the country. Starting today, customers can come in to any Petco store and buy a pink, humanoid pig-man or pig-woman at half price, said Petco Read more...

JOPLIN, MOThough decades have passed since the incident that sealed his reputation through childhood and beyond, siblings of Dennis McKee told reporters Friday that their youngest brothers status within the family continued to be that of the one who threw scissors at their mom one time. Regardless of anything Denny Read more...

Kicking off festivities leading up to the Summer Games in Paris, the Olympic torch arrived in Marseille where tens of thousands of onlookers watched as it was ceremonially transported from the port to the mainland. What do you think? Read more...

PHOENIXStressing over the first-time meeting all afternoon, local woman Lisa Stone reportedly felt nervous Friday about introducing her historically hard-to-please parents to her lousy lay. This is hugeIve never brought home such an uncoordinated, selfish lover before, a visibly antsy Stone said to a friend, Read more...

Robert F. Kennedy Jr. stated that in 2010 after he experienced bouts of memory loss for which he sought neurological treatment, one of his doctors found evidence of a parasitic worm in his brain. What do you think? Read more...

Florida has passed a restrictive law that bans abortions after six weeks from a womans last menstrual period, before most women know they are pregnant. The Onion breaks down the numbers behind the states war on reproductive rights. Read more...

Citing their concerns about citizens privacy, a bipartisan group of senators is pushing to limit the use of facial recognition technology in airports, a rapidly expanding part of the check-in process. What do you think? Read more...

DENVERFinding it an adequate substitute for the alcohol she used to consume during an evening of social drinking, local woman Candice Cooper told reporters Thursday that an $18 mocktail helped her satisfy the craving she still had to waste money. Its nice to have a drink that gives me that same experience of Read more...

LOS ANGELESTrying to blend in among a group of friends who wore homemade T-shirts expressing their enthusiasm for the program, Vice President Kamala Harris reportedly played hooky Thursday as she sat in the Price Is Right studio audience and waited for taping of the game show to begin. I hope no one from work Read more...

NEW YORKDiscovering a new strategy to help him get through his hush money trial, former President Donald Trump reportedly draped his jacket over his head Wednesday so that nobody could tell he was sleeping in court. Its the perfect planpeople will assume I went under the jacket just to think a little bit more Read more...

Boy Scouts of America announced that it is changing its name to Scouting America in an effort to be more inclusive, with the organizations president Roger A. Krone saying, This will be a simple but very important evolution as we seek to ensure that everyone feels welcome in Scouting. What do you think? Read more...

While Democrats position themselves as supporters of the First Amendment, many believe the governments reaction to public protests looked no different under Joe Biden than it did under Donald Trump. The Onion presents an in-depth examination of how free speech has been viewed by both administrations. Read more...

NEW YORKEarning $2,200 per appearance, former president Donald Trump has begun paying his legal bills with a new gig as a CNN contributor, sources confirmed Wednesday. We are pleased to welcome Donald Trump to CNNs talented roster of experts and insiders, CNN chairman and CEO Mark Thompson said of the former Read more...

EVANSVILLE, INAfter finding several messages the father of three had sent to women online, members of the local Branson family admitted Wednesday that they couldnt even be mad at their dad after seeing his heartbreaking attempts at cheating. I know I should be upset, but its hard to feel anything other than pity Read more...

Two-bedroom townhouse only 15 minutes from downtown and, Jesus Christ, what was I thinking trying to sell this all by myself? Its too late to go get a realtor now because I know my wife will be all smug about it, after I insisted I could do this myself and save a ton of money. God. I think well just not move. Read more...